Tim loves me. Sometimes I get on him for not being demonstrative enough when I’m the kind of person who needs those kinds of gestures even though I know it’s not natural for him to be so expressive. I mean, what did I expect from marrying an engineer? So sometimes -not often, but sometimes- I catch myself watching Tim and wondering if I’ll ever get a super romantic, movie-worthy declaration of love from him.
This weekend, he gave me just that. As we’re about to welcome Squishy into our lives (any day now!), it’s hitting me hard that I might not be able to breastfeed. I’m in a situation where my body may simply not allow it. I’ve spoken with my doctors, lactation consultants and IBCLCs, joined online forums and have been advised by my girlfriends, and the general consensus is that (1) we’ll see what happens when the time comes and (2) formula will always be available if I’m unable to breastfeed and that’s completely okay. Which the logical part of my brain knows is true, but my heart is hoping for something else. When your personal goal is one thing and it doesn’t look like the universe will help you achieve it, I can’t help but feel a bit guilty that I’m giving myself any kind of space to grieve about it when the universe has given me so much already.
So Grace does what Grace does and starts to make plans A-Z and now I’m trying to figure out what a formula-only life looks like. Part of that is working out in my head how grams and ounces and costs and schedules all go together. Because Grace is never unprepared -that’s such an alien thought for me- and planning helps me to control this chaos.
This past weekend, a friend kindly shared with me formula that she wasn’t going to be using and for the first time I started reading packaging, researching different brands and different costs, and felt this urge to put the information together in a spreadsheet and it got overwhelming very quickly. And I started to cry because I just felt bad for myself, felt bad for any future stress I was going to subject my poor, unsuspecting husband to and just felt out-of-control in general. And Tim gave me a big kiss and told me not to worry and let me leave the room so I could have space to collect myself again.
And when I returned, my heart just melted. Because my Tim had started to put together a spreadsheet for me of the information I wanted to collect since he knew that it would help me feel more grounded. He was actively participating in this next challenge of ours and was making sure I wasn’t left feeling alone in my worries. My Tim showed me he loves me in a spreadsheet because that’s what he does. It’s so Tim and it’s all for me.
I started tearing up then and there, which of course made him feel a bit silly, shy man that he is. But he gave me my movie romance moment and I’ll always love him for it.
Today, July 4th, is our dating anniversary. Fitting, since I see fireworks with this guy everyday. He makes sure of it.23